I Suck.

Seriously. What's happened to me? Why can't I control myself like I could only a few short weeks ago? Maybe I need to go back to hardcore restricting. Maybe I need to fast. This whole not-counting-fruit-and-veg thing feels a little too healthy for me. I mean, I do lose weight on it, quickly as well, but I don't get the empty feeling, the hunger, the self-punishment, the boundary-pushing. I think that's what I need, to feel "sick". Otherwise I might as well just join WeightWatchers and be done with it.

I did well last week, and then fucked up on Saturday after spending my entire shift at work pretty much planning my suicide. I won't ever do it, I don't really want to die... I just don't want to carry on with things how they are and how the future looks likely to turn out. I feel like such a failure. I don't regret anything now but I've a feeling that in a few decades' time, I'm going to look back and really, really hate myself for not doing simple things like resitting the exams that I've already paid for, going to university, getting a full-time job. So, I get depressed and binge, just to add to my list of things to feel shit about. And with it being Saturday, and having tons of binge food left that I bought and physically could not eat, I decided I'd start again Monday. So I binged all day Sunday. Then today, all went well until about an hour ago,where I basically decided that there's no reason not to binge, so I had most of a tin of custard, some chocolate left over from yesterday, and a spoonful of peanut butter. I mean... why? I wasn't even hungry.

There are a packet of biscuits in the cupboard that I really, really want. I feel like my binge today was an effort to avoid eating the biscuits... but by the time I'd done I might as well have just eaten the biscuits. I'm so shit. I can't purge because I live in a flat with literally paper walls, and my boyfriend is on to me. And I don't want to hurt him with this shit. He loved me when I was 60lbs heavier, he doesn't understand why I suffer like I do.

Aaaargh, I might eat the biscuits and fast tomorrow. Why fucking not. Although, I'll probably fuck that up as well because I'm a fat piece of shit.

And, what doesn't help is that a friend has just uploaded pictures from a night out we had in March, and like 10 people have written on my wall about how much weight I've lost and asking how I've done it. Trust me, you don't need to know!
So now I feel like I need to at least stay the same weight for now, and get back to losing as soon as possible. I absolutely cannot get fat again. I'll die first. I'll just cut a limb off or something.

How do you think they work out BMI for amputees?

x

Heyyy

So... nobody's reading this... but I'm starting a blog to document my attempt to stop binging. Hopefully it will help distract me or something. And also because everyone on PT seems to follow each other on here and I feel left out :( lol

x